This Year’s Winners

We at U of All People pride ourselves on pedagogy, since we have no publications to speak of (except Professor Milo Wag’s pamphlet last year on the crossbreeding of malamutes, which doesn’t really count, especially since he’s in Modern Languages).

As the president of our Faculty Senate declared last year, “Whatever we do here, since it’s not research, it’s got to be teaching, right?” Never mind that 67 percent of the sophomores polled said they could do a better job than their professors -- students, especially sophomores, are inclined to boast.

As for last semester, when a professor who shall remain nameless sublet the teaching of Physics 101 to a Leisure Science instructor who needed some cash -- apparently, the class ran quite well.

But why should we apologize? Better for us to come out in a public embrace of pedagogy, the soft science that comprises everything from making up creative syllabuses to grading all those damned assignments late Sunday evening.

To combat the charges of “You call that teaching?” we’ve begun a Teacher of the Year award in every department. Tell us who are the unsung heroes and heroines of the classrooms, and we will sing their praises! -- though we will not award any raises based on teaching, since that would be favoritism.

All nominations are anonymous; in fact, one professor nominated herself anonymously 12 times. Starting next year, we’ll have a Teacher of the Year Selection Committee, populated by former Teachers of the Year, but right now, all decisions are also made anonymously, possibly by the assistant provost’s office assistant.

Below is a selection from our inaugural Teachers of the Year. Drum roll, please...

Earl N. Meyer, associate professor of chemistry, likes to ignite students’ passion for chemistry with a Bunsen burner and counsels all students to wear nonflammable clothing to class. His lab display at the end of the semester, relying on a combination of lithium and water, has been termed “explosive” by all observers. He prides himself on always being there for his students, even at 3 a.m., though the student in question declined to press charges. “Without chemistry,” he declares, “life itself would be impossible. Without the chemistry department at U of All People, I’d be out of a job.”

Professor Penny Anti, the Eames Chair of Business, believes in learning by doing and “putting my money where my mouth is,” so every semester she gives her students real money to invest, at 15 percent interest. “One of us always comes out ahead,” she jokes. “It’s all a learning experience.” Professor Anti is also president of the Entrepreneurs Club, which last year grossed an undisclosed amount. Her motto: Business Is Good.

Odiette Amo, assistant professor of classics, is single-handedly responsible for the renaissance in classical studies, which includes two new students in the last five years -- single-handedly because she is the only professor left in the department. Her most popular activity is the Classics Olympics, in which students decline Latin nouns while riding chariot races around the football field. Her new campaign to increase recruitment, by serving as faculty adviser to Greek organizations on campus, has already bred success and confusion. Enchanted with Ovid at an early age, she recites her credo daily: “Venio, video, disco.”

Instructor Jess Anon in the English department maintains his sense of humor despite a teaching load of seven composition courses a semester. Paradoxically and annoyingly, he is the only publishing instructor in the department, author of a chapbook of verse that he assigns in every class. Founder of the Center for Support of Jess Anon in 2011, he supports the cause with an end-of-semester party and cash bar, held in his Quonset hut attached to a ventilation duct in College Hall. He also sells old Halloween candy during class.

Professor Al Cawlic in the sociology department studies the culture of 12-step programs. “To study the problem, be the problem,” he tells his student, the last one standing after another of Cawlic’s marathon binges. He’s often seen riding to work on his bicycle, and not just because he lost his license after three DUIs. Interviewed by the U of All People student newspaper at Garrity’s Bar and Grill, he told the reporter, “I like to emphasize the social in sociology, y’know? Y’know? When you think of it, everything’s fieldwork, really. I’ll drink to that.”

Associate professor Bill Demme in the mechanical engineering department is a self-confessed inspiration to his students, yet he remains practical. “Practical applications, I tell my graduate students. Keep it practical, especially since it’s my name that’s going on as coauthor, and I get 50 percent from any patents. Oh, and an active learning environment. That’s key.” To this end, he sponsors an annual canoe canoe race, in which contestants must construct a canoe out of two old canoes. As a former student commented, “It demonstrates the adage 'sink or swim,' which is how Professor Demme’s classes works in practice.”