You’re Excepted!

Dear Excepted Student,

Congratulations on your admission to Prosperity University’s class of 2026. We’re going to get you in and out of here faster and more efficiently than any of those LOSER Colleges that look like total DUMPS. You’re going to love it here. We’ve got the Best campus, the most beautiful Campus, the likes of which you’ve never seen. People are saying it’s the most Luxurious educational facility in the history of education, maybe ever.

Our professors? Top-notch people, very Smart people. Some of the smartest people in the world, actually. They know things other professors don’t know. They teach things other universities are afraid to teach, believe me. And guess what? Our provost is None other than Neon Mush! That’s right, the greatest BUSINESS GENIUS OF OUR TIME is running our academic operations. He’s going to send our education to Mars, LITERALLY to Mars!!!

And let me tell you, we don’t do this Ridiculous “tenure” thing here. No way. That’s for crooked lazy professors. At Prosperity U, you perform or you’re fired! Simple as that. “Academic freedom”? Just another excuse for Woke Liberal Indoctrination!!!! OUR PROFESSORS TEACH WHAT WE TELL THEM TO TEACH and it’s beautiful, believe me.

The curriculum at Prosperity is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. We don’t waste time with the Boring stuff, failing subjects like “science” or “medicine” or “math.” No one reads anymore, so you don’t even Need to buy books. Useless BS. We teach our students to make money. You want art? We do the Art of the Deal. WINNING!

And let me tell you, you know, some very good people have been so discriminated against in this country. Very Good people. It’s terrible, just Terrible!! We just pick the best students, and if they happen to be the wealthy good-looking ones with great hair from the best Richest families with very big hands, which they Usually are, then that’s just how it is. That’s just how Winning works.

We don’t have any failing students here. Zero. If you’re not WINNING, you’re not trying. Everyone at the U of P is a winner. That I can tell you. If students don’t fit in with our values? They’re fired! We don’t need whiners. You either get with the Program or you’re out, folks. We have no tolerance for losers or troublemakers.

Let me tell you about our athletics program—it’s huge, just TREMENDOUS. We only play AMERICAN sports here, none of that soccer nonsense from shithole countries. Our football team? Undefeated. We’re winning bigly. Other schools are Terrified to play us, believe me. Nobody kneels during our national anthem, that I can Guarantee you. And we don’t have any of these women’s sports taking resources away from real sports. Title IX? Neon Mush is taking care of that. Our cheerleaders are the most Beautiful women you’ve ever seen, the most beautiful. Many people say they could be models. They love me. They’ll let you do anything to them!

The tuition? It’s not Cheap, folks. Quality costs Money. But it’s worth every penny, every single penny. And when you graduate—which everyone does, because we fire them if they don’t show up, or sometimes, even if they do—we have a 100% graduation rate, huge crowds, biggest crowds you’ve ever seen, it’s amazing—you’ll be so successful. SO SUCCESSFUL! You’ll be tired of success.

The other universities? Total Disasters. Sad! They’re Jealous of us, very jealous. But that’s OK. We’re making education great again, and they can’t stand it. The American people have lost faith in these liberal indoctrination camps they call “universities.” At Prosperity University, we teach Real skills for real Americans who want to stop this country from becoming a BUNCH of losers. NO SAFE SPACES HERE! No trigger warnings. We’re not afraid to pull triggers!

Believe me, folks. Believe me.

Sincerely,

THE PRESIDENT

Prosperity University