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The most important message for new college parents is that it really is time to let go of their previous relationship with their child and begin to replace it with one that’s more appropriate to this new stage of life.
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Colleges and universities increasingly enlist new parents in launching their entering class. New-parent orientations can be especially salient for parents of first-generation students. But they benefit more experienced parents as well—especially since both parenting and higher education are so different from years past. Accordingly, schools have explored creative ways to reach all their new parents. But how best to ensure that parents remember the key takeaways?
Following are six straightforward messaging guidelines that parents can pretty easily grasp and retain and that campus leaders can use to scaffold the more detailed information they want to provide.
- “Parents still matter … a lot! So, be a supportive (junior) partner.”
New college students experience a level of autonomy unfamiliar both to them and their parents. But regardless of how far away their college or university may be from home or how removed their new situation may feel, students still need support, advice and reinforcement. Contrary to all available evidence, they still value their parents’ opinion—and, yes, their approval—even if they seldom admit it.
But the student now has earned a promotion—to become a more senior partner and assume more responsibility for this relationship. While a parent’s job is still enormously important, their role now becomes more secondary: a junior partner—less about managing and directing, more about coaching and cheering from the sidelines.
- “Encourage your student keep their eyes on the prize.”
First of all, parental coaching should reinforce the dual message that (1) college is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and (2) it really is a full-time job for a student, with academics at its core.
Many students will have other responsibilities, of course, including working to help finance their education. College should be fun, too, not just grinding all the time. Ideally, it will include a social life, clubs, intercollegiate or intramural sports or other fitness activities, and many other activities that can enrich an undergraduate experience and contribute to personal growth.
The key is to maintain all these aspects of college life in proper balance. If the student is to gain everything they can from this experience, parents need to help them keep their eyes on the prize. Suggest that parents regularly ask, what have you done today that makes you proud?
- “Let them choose a major based on their interest, but encourage them to gain a solid foundation of broad cognitive skills.”
Parents understandably worry about their student’s postcollege employability. But an overemphasis on choosing a major as a pathway to a first job can obscure other significant elements of a college education—such as preparation for a satisfying personal life and citizenship in our democratic republic.
It’s helpful for parents to realize that only about 30 percent of college grads end up working in an area directly related to their majors. Studies also show that students do better, both in college and in life, if they choose a major that excites their interest. Many will change their minds along the way, and the process is not always linear. It’s fine for parents to offer the occasional bit of advice, especially if asked. But over all, their role should be guided by patience and these three words: Listen. Listen. Listen!
In today’s rapidly evolving professional world, where graduates are likely to change careers multiple times, it’s essential that they acquire a broad array of cognitive skills: e.g., the ability to read and think critically, communicate effectively, access information from multiple fields, and work effectively with people from diverse backgrounds. Most importantly, graduates need to be disposed to continue to learn.
These capacities, historically associated with liberal arts education, can be developed in tandem with virtually any major—including pre-professional ones. They are often emphasized in general education courses. So, parents should remind their students to value these courses for what they can offer and not just try to “get them out of the way.”
- “Let them solve their own problems.”
A college career invariably includes its share of bumps and bruises; some plans just won’t work out. But dealing with failure is part of any successful life, and we often gain more from those experiences than when things go smoothly. Developing a positive relationship with challenges—and failures—enables students to build the emotional resilience that will serve them well in their future, postcollege life.
Parents can help most by not rushing in whenever their student encounters a problem. In this highly emotional time of life, students may portray any setback as a tragedy. They need emotional counterweight provided by parents not overreacting to those instances and encouraging their student to learn from them. A roommate who at first seems off-putting can turn out to become a lifelong friend. A class that initially presents as uninteresting can become a springboard to majoring in that subject. Another way to help a student take charge of their new life is encouraging them to learn about the resources available on campus and to take advantage of them as needed.
- “If you really feel that something is going terribly wrong with your student, it can be appropriate to reach out to the school … in the right way.”
In cases where the wheels really seem to be coming off, parents can step in. It’s important to follow their well-honed parental instincts, but reach out to the appropriate administrator or office to share their concerns. If unsure who that is, they can contact the office of student affairs. The person they reach should be able to put them in touch with someone who can help. That person (or others) then should investigate to see if an intervention is warranted.
Someone then should get back to the parents—either to reassure them that things really are OK or to let them know what the school plans to do. At the same time, parents should be made aware that sometimes staff will be constrained by legal privacy restrictions on what they can reveal. Some of these limitations are mandated in federal laws—especially FERPA, the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (1974), which protects the privacy of educational records, and HIPAA, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (1996), which pertains to the privacy of medical records.
Above all, it’s crucial for parents to seek help at an appropriate institutional level. For serious personal or social problems (e.g., unresolvable roommate issues, debilitating depression, anxiety, etc.), parents can call the office of student affairs (not their student’s RA). For an academic problem they can’t seem to overcome, contact the academic dean’s office, or, if there is one, the dean of first-year studies (but not their student’s professor or academic adviser). The guiding principle: Parents should not come between their student and the college or university professionals the student works with on a regular basis. They should never take those relationships out of their student’s hands.
- “Be intentional about letting go—ground your helicopter; park your snowplow.”
This can be the hard one. But the most important message for new college parents is that it really is time to let go of their previous relationship with their child and begin to replace it with one that’s more appropriate to this new stage of life … for both parties.
Everyone has heard the expression “helicopter parents,” who hover over their college students and involve themselves to a disruptive extent. More recently, we’ve heard about “snowplow parents” or “curling parents.” These well-meaning folks don’t just hover—they do everything they can to clear away all possible obstacles from their child’s path. But no one is well served by this kind of parental intervention. In the most extreme case, it can arrest a young person’s emotional development and prevent them from learning how to cope with the adult world on its own terms.
If parents have been even somewhat overprotective to date, the transition to college affords them a prime opportunity to recalibrate their relationship.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: Parents should let their student—again, as the now senior partner—take the lead in determining the type and frequency of their interactions. They might make an explicit compact: to call, text, etc., once or twice a week, on given days—whatever arrangement works best for everyone. The point is that parents and their new college student should collaborate to determine the happy mean between too little interaction and too much.
In Conclusion
Providing parents with clear guidelines sets the stage for both a healthy student-parent relationship and a positive parent-school relationship. Ideally, this two-part collaboration empowers students to gain the most from this never-to-be-repeated opportunity.
