A Satirical Toolbox for Deans

Looking for the fast track to failure at being a dean? Want to skip the effort it would take to try to build trust, community and goodwill among department heads and faculty? Looking for quick results in terms of metrics and outcomes, regardless of the consequent low morale, faculty burnout and department chair frustration? We provide a list of proven techniques that we’ve gleaned from our roles as department chairs, members of dean leadership teams, dean review panels and, in some cases, firsthand experience.

On Management Style

• Assume that your department chairs have no experience or insight. Don’t seek their input before making policy decisions. Follow this advice immediately after becoming a dean, even if you’re starting out in a new institution. Remember that even if your department chairs have decades of experience, they are unlikely to have learned anything useful.

• Be confident that any new initiatives that you’d like to implement (or your provost would like you to implement) are not currently in place and have never been implemented before—even in the smallest degree. Everything you propose will be welcomed as innovative.
• React immediately to hearsay about faculty, especially if it comes from students. In our experience, students are always the most objective source of information about faculty behavior. Don’t go directly to the faculty member, as their perspective will only confuse the situation.
• Stress that your style is not top-down or hierarchical. Then undercut faculty who try and see you without going through their department head first. Extra credit if you cc their department head when you berate them for being disrespectful.
• Alternatively, welcome requests from faculty to meet with you, but tell them in advance, “OK, I’ll meet with you. But if I say no, it means no.”
• Stand firm if you make an error in implementing new policies. As long as you are loud, no one will notice. Never back down from your position, even if new data makes it apparent that you are wrong. Being consistent is more important than being right.

On Policies

• Refuse to listen to best practices. Who decided they were “best” anyway?
• If your faculty are unionized, tell your chairs that they shouldn’t consult with the faculty union, “because, you know, there are differences of opinion.” Take this same approach for all questions of complexity on which there may be multiple opinions.
• Announce a major effort to create a new strategic plan. Engage the busiest department heads to lead the effort. Provide no guidance except that it needs to contain SMART goals. It is totally fine if you don’t know what SMART goals are. Don’t be satisfied until the plan is at least 30 pages long and contains 20 or more new initiatives. After it is created, never mention it again.

• Mandate that all departments overhaul their bylaws, because you can be sure that incompetency at best, or deceitfulness at worst, reigned in the school before you arrived.  Provide no guidance and demand a short timeline that coincides with commencement or major grant deadlines.  After you receive the bylaws, send them back with a rubric that should have been used initially. Having faculty revise and resubmit is a great team-building exercise.
• When there are new policies that may benefit the faculty, such as a salary-anomaly process, don’t share this information. Instead, demonstrate your ability to pick out the “best” faculty by only letting your favorites know.
• Motivate your faculty to go to graduation by telling them that it is part of their contractual obligation. In our experience, top-down directives are always the most effective strategy in getting faculty to behave as you would like them to.

On Publicity and Communication

• When you are trying to say something of importance, speak very loudly and point a lot—remember that faculty are impressed by voluble, aggressive leaders.
• After multiple years on the job, mispronounce faculty members’ names. Even better, mispronounce their names publicly when you are introducing them for an award.
• Refer to departments using acronyms from your former institution even if they’re not used at your current institution. Everyone will be happy to adapt.
• Hang up a glossy wall-sized poster displaying the school’s leadership team. Don’t proofread the poster in advance. Be sure to misspell names, misname some of your departments and list multiple faculty members as chairs of the same department. No one will notice.

• Respond to all incidents of racism at the university or nationally by sending long messages filled with symbolic declarations like “We hear you!” or “We stand with you!” Extra points for using capital letters and multiple exclamation points. No action items should be tied to the message—symbolic leadership is best.

On Supervision

• When your assistant moves away and starts working remotely, simply ask other staff and faculty to volunteer to do their day-to-day in-person tasks.
• When asking someone to step down from their position, cite their age as one of the reasons.
• Make a mentoring plan for early-career faculty and voluntell the busiest faculty members to serve as mentors. Make sure you give them no credit for doing this and provide no guidance or resources to help them.

On Work-Life Balance

• Tell faculty to spend more time on research and less on service. Then form a new faculty committee to re-evaluate faculty service loads. If faculty note the mismatch between your advice and your actions, tell them they need to get better at multitasking.
• At the same time, share tips on how to de-stress—and make attendance at a paint-by-numbers relaxation session mandatory.

Finally, and most importantly, remember to keep your eye on pleasing the provost. Don’t be distracted by advocating for resources for your school to support the success of its faculty, staff and students. They do not pay your salary. The provost, on the other hand, will be writing your reference letter for your next step up the academic leadership ladder!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to specific deans, present or past, is purely coincidental. No deans were harmed in the making of this product.