The Heat Is On

As part of a space study taking place this fall and spring, sensors will be deployed for short periods to better understand trends in how we use space today and ultimately help us maximize the impact our real estate assets have on faculty, staff and students in the future. The use of sensors, however, naturally raises questions.”

From the Office of the Vice President in Charge of Space and Time, U of All People:

To our university community,

On Nov. 1, the university will implement a space assessment study to analyze how office accommodation is utilized on our campus, an important information-gathering step as we pursue our plan for administrative expansion, or “imperial sustainability.” The study will take place in three stages.

Stage One

Maintenance staff will install Freedom heat sensors in all faculty offices, discreetly placed so as not to arouse alarm. These monitors will gauge personnel presence or the lack of same during normal office hours.

Note: Other institutions have tried electric eye or motion sensors, which can be fooled more easily. Be advised that faking the warmth of a human being with anything from hand warmers to a barbecue grill is against new regulations, as is leaving a pet locked inside.

If the heat sensors fail to gauge accurate office occupancy, the consulting firm we have hired, Platinum Solutions, have recommended the use of retinal scans to identify specific presences in the office.

A more intrusive option, but one we may be forced to adopt if the faculty prove intransigent, is the use of EEG readings to see if anyone is actually thinking inside the office (with the bonus of ascertaining which professors ought to have retired years ago).

If none of these well-meant measures prove efficacious (to be determined by the vice president of efficacy and worthwhiledness), the university will install microchips in all faculty members. (Those who object may opt for an AirTag bracelet, to be soldered on, along with an ID tag identifying school and program/department.)

Stage Two

The administration will perform triage on all pedagogical units: those who really need office space, those who don’t need it and those who need it from 2 to 4 p.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays. After the establishment of these categories, all three will be subject to de-acquisition.

For faculty office relocation, the university plans to utilize all possible space still available:

• Utility closets, which, when cleaning equipment and other paraphernalia have been removed, can appear quite spacious,
• Stairwells, which offer an open-office layout,
• Wide and even not-so-wide hallways,
• Elevators, which can be fixed to stay at one level for a given length of time, and
• Public restrooms, with an occupancy limit of five faculty members per stall.

Alternately, we can accommodate up to 10 faculty members in one office, a setup that has already proved successful with the adjunct faculty.

Additional space resources:

• There may still be available space on the roofs of several dormitories.
• The baseball field (the field itself, since the stadium seats have already been pledged to the liberal arts), with Astroturf as a welcome alternative to molded plastic office chairs.
• Many offices remain unused between midnight and 5 a.m., as are classrooms for the 15 minutes between classes.
• The university also reserves the right to relegate faculty to Parking Deck 2, where they can meet with students in their individual cars.

No desk? We issued you a university laptop—that’s why it’s called a laptop.

Note: It was proposed in the Faculty Senate that the university build more offices in something akin to buildings, but that was determined to be cost-ineffective.

Stage Three

All faculty office space will be relegated to use for administration, the lifeblood of the University of All People. Henceforth, UAP will be known as UAA, University of All Administrators, and we anticipate it will run much more smoothly without intrusive faculty presence. If anyone has concerns, please contact our vice president for expressing concern or consult our workplace satisfaction FAQ.