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Deep, sustained, intimate friendships are indispensable if we are to have a fulfilling and meaningful life. Close friends not only serve as confidants, with whom we can share our innermost thoughts and feelings, but they provide a crucial source of support during times of stress and adversity, offering a listening ear, empathy and practical advice as we navigate through life’s challenges.
Such friends are not only a source of shared joy and companionship, they are vital for our emotional well-being. Having close friends is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, reducing feelings of isolation, and contributing to a sense of connection and belonging. Knowing that a friend is reliable and will stand by us through thick and thin provides a profound sense of security and confidence.
In a world that is often transient and fast-paced, deep, intimate friendships offer continuity, ethical support and profound joy, making them indispensable for a fulfilling and meaningful life. They provide continuity in our lives by serving as witnesses to our milestones as we traverse our life’s journey, offering a consistent thread through various life stages and challenges.
According to Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, friendship takes various forms. There are friendships of utility, which people take part in for their mutual benefit. Friendships of utility are transactional; they tend to dissolve when the connection is no longer beneficial.
There are friendships of pleasure, based on the enjoyment one gets from the other’s company.
Then there is a higher form of friendship: the friend as a second self. These friendships tend to endure, since they aren’t rooted simply in convenience or transient pleasures. They’re also rare, because they require time and familiarity to develop.
In Aristotle’s view, true friends consider the other an extension of themselves, sharing their joys, sorrows and experiences as if they were their own.
Intimacy, trust and mutual understanding lie at the heart of a true friendship. Each friend regards the other’s thoughts, feelings and motivations almost as intimately as their own. Just as one naturally seeks their own good, in a true friendship, each person genuinely wishes for and actively works toward the well-being of the other. Such friendships are built on honesty, loyalty and a mutual commitment to each other’s good.
True friends also serve as mirrors, helping each other gain insight into themselves. Through honest feedback, friends help each other recognize their strengths and weaknesses and grow. In addition, in times of distress or joy, friends provide a source of comfort and consolation.
A true friendship also implies a level of vulnerability, where friends are transparent with one another, sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Reciprocity in friendship is essential, with both parties benefiting equally from the relationship.
Joseph Epstein’s Friendship: An Exposé offers much more recent reflections on the central role of friendship in human life and its critical importance for people’s emotional well-being, personal growth and social connection. But friendships, he observes, vary widely in their depth, duration and significance.
There are childhood friendships, based on proximity, shared activities and mutual enjoyment.
But that doesn’t mean these early friendships are insignificant. These relationships are foundational, shaping one’s understanding of trust, loyalty and companionship.
During adolescence, friendships become more intense and emotionally charged as individuals seek identity and belonging. These friendships are crucial for navigating the challenges of growing up, with our peers influencing us both positively and negatively.
Adult friendships tend to be more selective and deeper. At their best, these friendships rest on shared values, mutual respect and emotional support. However, many of these friendships decay over time, as they are unable to adapt to life changes and challenges such as marriage, parenthood and career demands. One result is that we have many fossil friendships that we treasure and may even hope to reactivate but that exist largely in memory.
There are also workplace friendships, which can provide support, enhancing job satisfaction and facilitating networking. While some workplace friendships resemble Aristotle’s concept of a friendship of utility that serves practical functions and is often temporary and tied to a specific context, a few are more like a workplace marriage—an emotionally intense bond that involves intimate sharing of thoughts and emotions. However, friendships formed in the workplace also come with the challenge of navigating professional and personal boundaries.
A key question is whether contemporary society has made it more difficult to achieve the kind of intimate, lifelong friendships that involve a high level of emotional closeness, trust and mutual understanding and that provide enduring support and companionship.
While the importance of friendship as a source of emotional support and personal growth remains unchanged, increasing mobility and transience, demanding careers and work schedules, digital communication, and a highly individualistic culture have made sustaining lifelong, intimate friendships more challenging than ever.
Social media has allowed us to broaden our social networks and keep in touch with friends from all stages of our lives irrespective of their physical location. But it provides only a pale substitute for the intimate friendship that depends on nearly daily, face-to-face interactions.
Contemporary American society presents many challenges to sustaining deep, lifelong, emotionally intimate interpersonal bonds, the kind of friendships Aristotle considered the highest form. The hindrances are not a secret. These include increased mobility and geographic dispersion, as Americans often move for career opportunities, education or personal reasons and various time constraints, as long work hours and demanding job responsibilities leave little time for cultivating and maintaining deep friendships. The focus on career advancement or on romantic and family obligations often takes precedence over friendship.
While social media allows for easy connection and communication, it often leads to more superficial interactions rather than deep, meaningful conversations. By creating the illusion of being connected, social media has reduced the perceived need for in-person interactions.
I think it’s fair to say that contemporary society tends to value casual and flexible relationships over long-term commitments. We may speak about best friends forever, but the reality consists largely of more short-term interactions.
In an era where digital connections often replace face-to-face interactions, the vital role of deep, intimate friendships in promoting mental health and well-being underscores the pressing need to find new ways to cultivate and sustain these bonds in modern society.
In this context, it’s more important than ever for colleges to foster close, intimate, sustained relationships. Some steps strike me as obvious.
- Establish learning communities where students with shared interests can interact.
- Design common areas that encourage social interaction, such as lounges, study areas and recreational facilities.
- Encourage participation in clubs and organizations and intramural sports and fitness classes.
- Implement mentorship programs that pair new students with their upper-class counterparts, providing guidance and fostering connections and create peer support groups for various interests, identities and challenges, such as academic support, mental health and diversity groups.
Also integrate relationship building into the curriculum. Design coursework that includes group projects, encouraging collaboration and relationship building among students and expanding service learning and community service opportunities to promote bonding through shared meaningful experiences.
I’d also recommend an interdisciplinary course on friendship, drawing upon history, literature, philosophy, psychology and sociology. Such a course would look at historical and philosophical perspectives on friendship, including works by Aristotle, Cicero and modern philosophers. It would examine psychological theories and research on friendship, attachment and social networks. It would also discuss the sociological context of friendships, including how social structures, culture, gender and technology influence relationships.
I know that many of my closest colleagues would scoff at the very idea of a college course on friendship. They’d no doubt see such a class as lacking in academic rigor and as peripheral to the institution’s academic core.
But the value of such a course is substantial. By fostering emotional and psychological well-being, developing essential social skills, preparing students for the complexities of adult relationships, promoting cultural and social awareness and encouraging personal growth, a course on friendship addresses critical aspects of holistic education. Integrating this type of learning into the curriculum can help cultivate well-rounded, resilient and socially adept graduates, ultimately enriching both their personal lives and the broader society.
In the early and mid-20th century, many leading K-12 educators stressed the importance of incorporating training in adult life skills into the curriculum. But as the intellectual historian Andrew Hartman demonstrated in his 2008 study, Education and the Cold War: The Battle for the American School, the post–World War II “life adjustment” movement, with its emphasis on socializing students to fit into their expected societal roles, helped discredit the idea of preparing students for adulthood. I’d like to suggest that we might recover and reimagine this idea in a very different form.
Colleges have already expanded their purview beyond the strictly academic to include a wide range of disability, mental health and identity-based support services. I think our campuses need to go further: to see their primary role as not merely academic or pre-professional, but to produce well-rounded adults. Such a conception of college’s role would entail changes in the campus mission, the curriculum and the role of faculty and staff.
The objective would be to provide a more comprehensive and meaningful education that prepares students for all aspects of life. This approach would require integrating life skills into the curriculum, redefining the role of faculty as mentors and creating a more supportive campus environment. Such a holistic educational experience would not only equip students with academic knowledge and professional skills but also foster personal development, emotional well-being and a sense of social responsibility.
One step would be to integrate life skills courses across the curriculum. Such courses would examine the dynamics of intimate relationships, including communication, conflict resolution and maintaining emotional intimacy. These courses might also offer insights into professional etiquette and the social skills essential for career and personal growth, including how to build and maintain professional relationships.
Other offerings might cover family dynamics, effective parenting techniques and child development, as well as classes that teach stress management, mindfulness, self-care strategies and recognizing signs of mental health issues and workshops on financial literacy, including budgeting, saving, investing and managing debt.
Another step is to encourage faculty and staff to take on mentorship roles, building closer relationships with students and supporting their overall growth. That will require providing faculty and staff with training in teaching life skills to better support students’ holistic development.
As campuses expand mental health counseling, therapy and support groups, greater attention should be paid to relationship counseling, as well as on life coaching, helping students set and achieve personal, academic and professional goals. Expanded wellness programs are also essential, including fitness classes, recreational sports, stress management workshops and mindfulness and resilience training to help students develop effective emotional regulation and coping strategies.
Already, higher education is evolving beyond its focus on academic achievement and pre-career preparation. By embracing a more holistic approach to education, campuses can foster the development of well-rounded adults equipped with not only the knowledge and skills needed for professional success but also the emotional intelligence, resilience and interpersonal abilities essential for a fulfilling life. This shift in focus will require integrating life skills into the curriculum, redefining faculty roles as mentors and creating a more supportive campus environment that nurture every aspect of student growth. As colleges and universities commit themselves to a more comprehensive model, they will be better positions to empower a generation of graduates who are not only academically proficient but also adaptable, engaged and socially connected members of society.
The future of higher education lies in recognizing that the true measure of success is not merely the attainment of degrees but the cultivation of individuals who can thrive in all dimensions of life.
