Where are You Going?

John A. Vasquez is a Ph.D. candidate in Educational Administration at Michigan State University where he also works as a career consultant for graduate students and postdocs. You can find him on Twitter @maximsofjuan or at LinkedIn.

As the new year begins and I personally begin a new phase in the dissertation process, I want to wrap-up the series of articles I am writing inspired by Babylon 5, a science fiction saga from the 1990s. Throughout the TV series, and these articles, I’ve been focusing on the five fundamental questions I think we should ask ourselves at some point in our lives, but especially in graduate school:  Who are you?  What do you want?  Why are you here? Where are you going and do you have anything worth living for?

The last two questions for this article—Where are you going? and Do you have anything worth living for?—happened to be embodied in one of my favorite Babylon 5 scenes and really speak to where I feel I am right now, just waiting to defend my proposal in January. In this scene, the First One is talking to Captain Sheridan about being “Between Moments”:

First One: “Nothing goes on forever…We all hit bottom sooner or later. Did you hit bottom?
Sheridan: “I don’t remember.”
First One: “There are only two possibilities: if you hit bottom, then you are dead. If you did not hit bottom, then you are still falling…unless you are in between.”
Sheridan: “Between what?”
First One: “Between moments. When we are born, we are allocated a finite number of seconds. Each tick of the clock slices off a piece of us. Tick. A possibility for joy is gone. Tock. A careless word ends one path, opens another. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Always running out of time.  Yours is almost used up. You're between seconds—lost in the infinite possibilities between tick and tock. Tick. You're alive. Tock...."

Being in a graduate program can feel like being “between moments.” Depending where you are in your program, it always feels like you’re waiting for something:  waiting for your advisor to come back from sabbatical; waiting for the IRB to approve your study; waiting for a couple more participants to answer your survey; waiting for feedback on that chapter you’ve written 3 times already; waiting for that letter of rec for a fellowship you desperately need to fund your last year! I’ve been waiting for something the entire time I’ve been in my program, and some days I didn’t  even know what! There have days, I’m not even really sure how to move forward, or even if I’m on track. Most of all, I keep thinking how I feel like I’m not living towards my purpose.  I’ve passed on jobs and other opportunities that could have taken me in the direction I want, after waiting so long, part of me really wants to take time to focus on my career and do the Ph.D. “on the side.” I really feel like now I understand why almost half of all doctoral students drop out in the first few years of the dissertation process. Cue the next half of the scene:

Sheridan: “The others need me.”
The First One: “You can't turn away from death simply because you're afraid of what might happen without you. That's not enough! You're not embracing life. You're fleeing death. And so, you're caught in between unable to go forward or backward. Your friends need what you can be when you are no longer afraid. When you know who you are and why you are and what you want. When you are no longer looking for reasons to live but can simply be.”

It can be hard to know how to move forward and keep living especially when it feels like everyone around you is having a life and you are not. But this is a new year, right?! Why not start by making a commitment “to take charge of your doctoral experience!” Take ownership of your experience by focusing on those five questions we learned from Babylon 5: What do you want?  Why are you here? Where are you going and what do you have worth living for? Don’t’ think of these as separate questions, either! Think of them as part of a broader philosophy that can help guide you through the rough and uncertain times in your program.

So, what does this mean for me? I’m going forward – meaning I’m not engaging or doing anything, including taking opportunities, that will move me backward in my career. Any new endeavor I take on, including a job, while be something that takes me get further either in my career or in the dissertation writing. What am I living for? My kid, my partner, my family – and YES my dissertation because I didn’t come this far to give up now. And neither should you!

I came back to grad school full-time because I wanted to experience what it was like being a full-time scholar. I’m pretty sure there’s a lot of waiting “in-between” times for faculty too. So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, I highly recommend you give Babylon 5 a try. However, it you are looking for something with a little more drama, action, and edge of your seat intrigue, may I recommend another favorite – Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009).

[Image from NASA Goddard Space Flight Center via Flickr, adapted by the author of this post, and used under a Creative Commons license.]