Noticing

This week I had a chance to do something I should do more often.

A conflict emerged on campus between two departments. It started over email, with polite messages gradually becoming less polite and eventually somewhat tense and pointed. The signs of escalation were there: more second-person, more people cc’ed, more tone policing. When I saw where it was going, I called an in-person meeting.

The meeting went fairly well, as these things go, and resulted in a resolution that solved the immediate problem and allowed everyone some validation. Nobody “lost.”

But the notable part was that a colleague there who would have had a legitimate excuse to fly off the handle, didn’t. They held their ground but did so calmly and with well-chosen words. They made the choice to take the high road.

Afterward, I made a point of letting them know that I noticed. They denied themselves the fleeting pleasure of catharsis (“See?”) in the name of maintaining good relations all around.

In my younger days, I might not have noticed that, or might have simply been glad that it went well. With experience, though, I’ve learned that when someone makes the difficult choice to take the high road for the greater good, it’s worth acknowledging.

Those moments can be very quiet. They don’t look “heroic,” to the extent that we think of heroism as something spectacular. If you don’t look closely, you might not see them at all.

But those moments are absolutely crucial. They maintain the social fabric. They require real emotional labor, and that labor should be recognized from time to time.

If you get a chance to offer a figurative pat on the back to someone who chose the high road at a tense moment, I recommend it. It’s good for the soul.