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Mary Lu Bilek is stepping down as dean of City University of New York’s School of Law because she referred to herself as a “slaveholder” during a faculty meeting, The New York Post first reported. Bilek previously announced she was leaving, but she only explained why in an email to the school last week. In the message, Bilek said she was talking about equitable hiring policies with respect to an open associate dean’s position at the meeting in question when she compared herself to a “slaveholder.”

“In a misguided effort to draw an analogy to a model of reparations in order to place blame on myself, as dean, for racial inequities at our school, I thoughtlessly referred to myself as the ‘slaveholder’ who should be held responsible,” wrote Bilek, who is white. “I realized it was wrong the minute I heard myself say it and couldn’t believe the word had come out of my mouth.”

Bilek said she apologized immediately at the meeting “and [has] since apologized without reservation to the faculty … I am still shocked at what I said and have begun education and counseling to uncover and overcome my biases and further understand the history and consequences of systemic and institutional racism.” Bilek now plans to retire as soon as possible, she said, “because the work it would take to repair the trust necessary to lead the Law School is a burden I don’t want to impose on the faculty or the community.”